A DRUNK IN A CONFESSIONAL ------------------------------ A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine!" The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?’” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?’" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?'” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.
As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those beeeyatches had kept their mouths shut!!!"
The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!?!?!" Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See ya Monday!"
Last Edit: Mar 14, 2002 14:00:03 GMT -5 by S4MadMan
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.
He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!".
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."
He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all...
...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman.