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Post by nene on Mar 14, 2002 11:39:32 GMT -5
My contribution:
A DRUNK IN A CONFESSIONAL
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk replies, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either."
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Post by AluminouS4 on Mar 14, 2002 13:15:56 GMT -5
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap,
1 toothbrush,
1 tube of toothpaste,
1 loaf of bread,
1 pint of milk,
1 single serving of cereal,
1 single frozen dinner.
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, HUH?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."
;D ;D ;D
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Post by S4MadMan on Mar 14, 2002 13:54:33 GMT -5
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever, that answer's mine!" The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago?’” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln!" The teacher said, "That's right, Susie. You may leave." Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?’" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may leave." Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?'” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. You may leave." Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.
As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish those beeeyatches had kept their mouths shut!!!"
The shocked teacher asked, "Who said that?!?!?!" Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton!!! See ya Monday!"
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Post by nene on Mar 29, 2002 13:13:13 GMT -5
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said, "I'm sorry but my dad is an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
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Post by AluminouS4 on Mar 29, 2002 13:38:15 GMT -5
You know you're from Massachusetts when...
1) The person driving in front of you is going 70 mps and you are cursing him for going too slow.
2) The fact that Routes 128 and 95 are pretty much the same thing doesn't confuse you.
3) When ordering a tonic, you mean a coke... not water with bubbles.
4) You can navigate a rotary without a problem.
5) You almost feel insulted when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off, or steal their parking space, etc.
6) You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill and Cotuit
7) You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer
8) You know that there are two Bulger brothers (both are crooks.. but, you know there are two)
9) You have been to Fenway Park
10) You knew that there was no chance in Hell that the Patriots would move to Hartford
11) You laugh at all of the other states in New England, especially New Hampshire
12) You know of at least 1 diner or food vendor to get something to eat after last call
13) You can actually find your way around Boston
14) You have spent at least 1 weekend at UMass
15) The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools
16) You refer to the New York Yankees as the Devil's Bitches or something worse
17) Colleges are used as landmarks for directions (i.e., Go past MIT until you hit Harvard. Take a right and go past Lesley. Keepgoing until you get to Tufts. (actual directions).
18) Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever
19) Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday
20) You know at least 1 guy either named Sean, Pat, White, Red, O.B. or Seamus
21) You think the rest of the country owes you for having things like Thanksgiving and independence.
22) As a kid you laughed at the kids down south who never got to have snow days
23) You feel that the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
24) The Beanpot is a hockey tournament not a serving container
25) You take great pride in Cheers
26) You can recognize a Revere girl simply by looking at her hair
27) You know exactly where you were when Buckner missed the ball
28) You know that there is a bigger difference between Roxbury and West Roxbury than just a direction
29) Somebody calls you a Masshole and you take it as a compliment.
And, the final and prominent way to know that you are from Massachusetts...
30) You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of speech.
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Post by S4MadMan on Mar 29, 2002 15:09:07 GMT -5
...when you see S4MadMan rollin' on 19s even after blowing one out at 65mph on the 95/128. ;D
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Post by AluminouS4 on Mar 29, 2002 15:57:42 GMT -5
Crazy boyz from the wesssssssssssiiiiiide! ;D 8)  ...when you see S4MadMan rollin' on 19s even after blowing one out at 65mph on the 95/128. ;D |
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Post by S4MadMan on Mar 29, 2002 21:02:43 GMT -5
...me like! ;D  |
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Post by Mirror|rorriM on Mar 30, 2002 1:12:32 GMT -5
You know you're from Massachusetts when... 4) You can navigate a rotary without a problem. Rotaries? I always thought they were skidpads! |
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Post by AluminouS4 on Apr 3, 2002 16:42:26 GMT -5
good one ;D
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Post by CrazyINP on Apr 5, 2002 20:13:57 GMT -5
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city.
He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over
to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't
believe that the guy had just done that.
He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed,
comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him.
The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out
that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!".
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either.
I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila
makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."
He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until
right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet.
A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom,
he doesn't slow down at all...
...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender
says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman.
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Post by S4MadMan on Apr 6, 2002 6:20:42 GMT -5
...you are a funny one! ;D
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dotorg
Junior Member
Posts: 72
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Post by dotorg on Apr 6, 2002 11:58:49 GMT -5
...when you see S4MadMan rollin' on 19s even after blowing one out at 65mph on the 95/128. ;D And you know you're NOT from Massachusetts when you prefix a highway with "the"... left-coastie! |
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Post by S4MadMan on Apr 7, 2002 10:13:54 GMT -5
...gotta rEPr3sEnT yO! Also, us Left Coasters call "highways" freeways. Highways to us are like slower, smaller versions of freeways. ;D And you know you're NOT from Massachusetts when you prefix a highway with "the"... left-coastie! |
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Post by Mirror|rorriM on Apr 7, 2002 18:20:57 GMT -5
This weekend I drove a few hours north only to encounter Rt16, 27, and 140. Another 140 is near school, I live off of Rt16 in Sherborn, and Rt27 is about half a mile from my house. There's also Rt9, which goes out to the western end of the state. Of course, what's Exit 2 off 91 in VT? Yup, Rt9. And you know you're NOT from Massachusetts when you prefix a highway with "the"... left-coastie! |
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&&Mark C. - Hopkinton, MA
