Zhit and giggles.......

[Ringo]

...Anybody got anything funny today?  Here's my only offering.  I do this in honor of my "Not Responsible" ruling on my speeding ticket.  

PS - Bonus points for anyone who knows where this came from today.

Things you shouldn’t say to a police officer
1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4 . Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are !
12. When the Officer says “Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

[S4MadMan]

...put down that magazine, it's clouding your judgement.      ;D

[a4spinner]

The same place as this ;D

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there. 14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

[S4MadMan]

...you too, put down that crack pipe.    ;D

[Ringo]

This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the
counter for two cans of dog food.

"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.

"Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.

"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to
me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled
it on its leash all the way back to the store.

"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired customer.

"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to
the same clerk and says:

"Two cans of cat food please."

"Do you have a cat sir?"

"Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.

"I'm sorry sir, but I have to see your cat before I can sell you
cat food."

The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags
it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the
clerk to see.

"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of cat food."

The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the
clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole
on the cover.

"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"

"Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.

"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk.

"Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.

"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy.

Said the disgusted clerk, ""It looks like ..."  To which the
customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet
paper!"

[S4MadMan]

...that was baaaaaad.